The first time I met Sawarabi Fuyumi was in the autumn of my first year of middle school. She was in her second year.
I remember being beaten to a pulp when we faced off in the finals of the prefectural tournament.
When we first met, the impression I had of Fuyumi, to put it into words, was a “sociable gorilla.” To be fair, her features were well-defined, and she was a beauty even as she got older. However, because I lost so badly in our first match, my frustration took precedence and I superimposed the image of a primate onto her, and I could never shake it off.
Furthermore, of all things, Fuyumi approached me as I was holding back tears and asked for a handshake on the mat.
“Hey, are you really a first-year? You’re super strong!”
You’re one to talk, I thought.
After that, we both advanced to the national tournament and had a rematch in the quarterfinals. I suffered another defeat.
“You’re even stronger than you were at the prefectural tournament! I’ve memorized your name! Give me your contact info later!”
Unlike me, who had switched from karate, Sawarabi Fuyumi had been doing kickboxing since she was a child, meaning our experience levels in the sport were different. On top of that, she was older. For middle schoolers, a single year is a big deal. With the difference in age and physique, my match record against Fuyumi ended with me having more losses than wins.
Not long after that national tournament, a training camp was held where promising athletes from all over were invited, and Fuyumi and I were selected as the prefectural representatives. That was when we began to interact in earnest. As comrades from the same hometown enduring rigorous training, we gradually opened up to each other.
“I live up in the northern part. What about you, Himarin?”
—Who’s Himarin?
“Himarin is you, Himarin. It’s a nickname. Isn’t it cute?”
—I’ve never been called that, so I wouldn’t know.
“What a waste. It’s such a cute name. For a girl, being cute is the best thing, you know?”
—But, Sawarabi-san, you’re strong.
“Cuteness and strength aren’t contradictory. Cute and strong, I think that’s the ultimate for a woman!”
For me at the time, who paid no mind to my appearance or friendships, meeting Fuyumi, who was more skilled than me yet had a much broader perspective, was a shock.
As cheerful as she was, I would later learn that she was putting in grueling effort behind the scenes.
There’s always someone better… that’s the way of the world, and at the same time, I began to realize around this time that there’s no such thing as a successful person who hasn’t put in the effort.
Eventually, Fuyumi won the national tournament two years in a row.
Her second victory was won by defeating me in the finals.
And then, just as she had planned, she moved to Tokyo upon entering high school. As soon as she turned 16, she took the test and became a professional kickboxer while still in high school.
Around that time, I had retired from the sport for certain reasons, but I continued to stay in touch with Fuyumi.
Fuyumi emerged as a promising rookie and finally competed in a world tournament.
—And on that grand stage, she lost without being able to do a single thing.
Fuyumi, who I had thought was so strong, suffered a crushing defeat, unable to do anything.
That alone was a shock, but that wasn’t it.
The problem was the comments posted in response to the online news that Sawarabi Fuyumi had lost helplessly against a foreign athlete.
“She’s trash.”
“A disgrace to Japan.”
“Lost pathetically without putting up a fight (lol)”
“You can go pro even at this level? What a joke.”
“In the end, she was just on the media for her face.”
“I’ll watch if she debuts in an adult video.”
Wait.
Before being a pro or whatever, Fuyumi was a high school girl.
The sight of so many people using their anonymity to bash a single, young girl however they pleased made me sick to my stomach.
Although kickboxing has some passionate fans, the number of competitors in the country is still small, and what’s more, a young, female competitor in a sport with even fewer female athletes wouldn’t be recognized by the general public unless she had exceptional star power.
In other words, to the vast majority of people, Fuyumi’s defeat was seen as nothing more than “just a precocious athlete being crushed by the wall of the world.”
Of course, there were positive opinions too. There were dedicated followers who praised Fuyumi’s challenge and looked forward to her future success.
However, it’s human nature to focus on the bad.
I contacted Fuyumi immediately.
The words that came from the other end of the line… were clad in her usual cheerfulness.
“The news article, right? I saw it, I saw it. It’s awful, isn’t it? They’re writing whatever they want.”
—Are you okay?
“I’m fine! It’s best to just let them say what they want. Besides, it’s a fact that I lost!”
—Are you really okay?
“I just have to not look at the nasty stuff! There are people who support me, after all!”
—If that’s the case, then that’s good.
What should I have said to her? What words did she want to hear? I didn’t know.
From then on, whenever Fuyumi had a match, slander and abuse would follow.
“It was just a fluke win anyway,” “It’s the end of the world if trash like this wins,” “Retire early and get naked,” and other criticisms, too many to write down, painted over the countless praises and affirmations in black.
Each time, I talked to Fuyumi on the phone. Because I was frustrated. Because I hated seeing Fuyumi, who had put in so much grueling effort, my best friend with whom I had striven to improve, be denigrated.
One day, it happened suddenly.
“—Himarin, don’t worry about it. I’m fine now.”
At first, I thought she was saying it out of consideration for my worrying.
“—I’m just… tired of everything.”
After that, I couldn’t get in touch with her.
My bad premonition came true the very next day.
What came was the worst possible ending.
Ironically, I learned about the whole series of events from the online news.
The anonymity of the internet easily tears down the barriers between people.
At the same time, for generations not accustomed to the internet, or for people who don’t know the world, their “sense of virtual competence” grows in inverse proportion to their literacy. I’m saying it like it’s a big deal, but the chasm created by this psychology can give birth to new perpetrators and victims.
“Remember how I told you before about why I joined the professor’s seminar? Actually, there’s another reason.”
I looked into Mayuki-kun’s eyes. He stared back with a serious expression, and my mouth moved on its own.
“I want to find ‘the answer’.”
“…The answer?”
“Fuyumi didn’t do anything wrong. She just fought with all her might, and in the end, she lost a match to a stronger opponent. And yet, she was bashed by a huge, unspecified number of people and cornered. A girl I thought was so strong ended up getting sick in her heart. I want to find the right answer. How could she have been saved? What should I have done?”
I wanted to know.
The reason why people use the anonymity of the internet to attack others.
The means for a person attacked by anonymous third parties to recover, the actions they should take.
And… what I should have said to Fuyumi.
“That’s why, when I see someone whose heart is hurting because of online trouble, I can’t think of it as someone else’s problem… When you came to me for advice, Mayuki-kun, I remembered. I remembered Fuyumi.”
“…I’m sorry, for making you talk about something so painful.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about it. I just didn’t say anything because there was no need to.”
The past is an accumulation of facts, and facts cannot be overturned. I couldn’t save Fuyumi. Even if Fuyumi hadn’t left our hometown and had stayed by my side, I might not have been able to save her, and maybe it was Fuyumi’s destiny to jump.
“See, I told you before, right? While watching your streams and videos, I could tell how much effort you were putting in to deliver smiles through the screen, and that made me want to genuinely support you.”
Perhaps one cannot defy fate. Because fate is what we call the culmination of all contributing factors.
But, that doesn’t mean I can justify my own powerlessness.
So, at the very least—.
“You see, it’s not that I’m looking out for you, Mayuki-kun, because I like the crossdressing streamer ‘Kamimura Mayu’. It’s because I respect you, Mayuki-kun, for doing your best for all sorts of people out there as the influencer ‘Kamimura Mayu’, that I wanted to help you. That’s why I helped you.”
Proclaiming loudly that I saved someone might be a foolish thing to do.
But if Mayuki-kun himself feels that he was “saved by Anesaki Himari,” then that is also a truth. I think that’s fine.
“Auuu…”
At my words, Mayuki-kun let out a pained sound and rolled over onto his stomach. I worried that he might be in pain somewhere, but that didn’t seem to be the case.
“Saying something like that is unfair… I’ve started sweating…”
“Should I run a bath?”
“Is it okay to take a bath when you have a cold…?”
“As long as you don’t let your body get cold, it’s actually effective. Raising your body temperature activates your immune system. After you’re done, Mayuki-kun, can I use the bath too?”
“…Please, Himari-san, you use it first. I would feel too bad otherwise.”
“Really? Then I’ll take you up on your offer.”
Having gotten his approval, I filled the bathtub with hot water and decided to borrow a change of clothes as well. I was taken aback when Mayuki-kun, staggering over to the closet, handed me a fluffy room wear set from a high-end brand, but he said, “The size didn’t fit me, but I think it should be fine for you, Himari-san.” I’ve never worn anything like this in my private life… I thought, but when I actually put it on after my bath, it was a perfect fit. I see, it probably is too big for Mayuki-kun to wear. I thought as I stroked the area around my chest where it fit snugly.
About 30 minutes passed, and when Mayuki-kun reappeared in the room in his pajamas, I guided him, saying, “Here, sit here. You have to dry your hair properly or it’ll get worse.” I took a hairbrush and a dryer plugged into the outlet in hand, and sat down behind Mayuki-kun.
“How long have you been growing your hair out?”
“…I don’t remember anymore.”
“How often do you go to the hair salon?”
“About once a month, I suppose…”
While carefully applying the warm air from the dryer, I slowly combed through his hair. Mayuki-kun’s hair was so fine and silky, it was hard to believe it belonged to a boy. I remember admiring it through the screen… I thought idly. Once it was mostly dry, I switched the dryer’s setting to cool air.
“Have you gotten used to talking without your makeup on yet?”
“…A lot more than before.”
“Does wearing makeup change how you feel, after all?”
“…It’s less that it changes, and more like I’m wearing ‘Kamimura Mayu’. Like a mask.”
“I bet that’s how girls feel, too.”
“…Is that so?”
“Girls aren’t able to do their makeup from the very beginning, you know. They learn gradually, and gain confidence after they become able to prettify themselves. So, I think a lot of people can sympathize with how you feel, Mayuki-kun. To be honest, I’m super nervous showing you my bare face like this right now.”
“Himari-san, you feel the same way as me…?”
“That’s right.”
It’s okay to wear a mask. If wearing one gives you confidence, then you should wear it as much as you want. For example, SNS is like that too. People stretch themselves a little, posting videos of high-class restaurants or travel destinations, or what their dates with their lovers are like, to present their ‘ideal self’. Even if it’s just a bluff, even if it’s an action that comes from a desire for self-approval, I think it’s a good thing if it gives you the confidence to look forward.
“Alright, all done. Let’s get you into your futon quickly.”
I finished drying Mayuki-kun’s hair and turned off the hairdryer. Just then.
“…Himari-san, is it okay if you forget what I’m about to say?”
Mayuki-kun, who had slipped into bed, said so with a serious expression.
“Is it something serious?”
“…Yes. But, it’s already been resolved… so please forget it.”
“It’s okay. Tell me anything.”
At my words, Mayuki-kun closed his eyes for just a moment, took a deep breath, and then opened his mouth.
“I… was wondering if I should quit streaming.”
“…Huh?”
As I was silent, taken aback, he began to explain the reason.
“I didn’t start my activities with any particular conviction. I wanted someone to talk to, I wanted to be called cute, so I started showing my face online… and before I knew it, things had become like this… But recently, it suddenly occurred to me that I should feel sorry for this.”
An influencer’s every single move influences the actions of others.
Perhaps the person in question understands this the most.
“…From now on, I think my viewers and followers will only continue to increase. But, I feel like continuing with these feelings is like trampling on the feelings of the people who support me… I just wanted a connection with other people. I’m the only one in this house, and being in a space all alone was lonely… and I didn’t have any friends to begin with.”
I went “Hmm…” and carefully considered the words I should say, before…
“I don’t think you need some lofty goal when you start something.”
I recall my own past.
It’s true that I was devoted to martial arts, but it’s not like there was a clear reason for it.
But as I continued, I learned I had a talent for it, and as the results followed, I came to think it was fun.
I’m sure it’s the same for you, Mayuki-kun.
“But, after hearing your story, Himari-san, I feel like I can continue after all. My activities, without me even realizing it, had gone beyond the realm of self-satisfaction, and had become a source of support for someone whose face I don’t even know. Because I was able to learn that… I’ve come to feel that it’s okay for me to keep going like this. So… please forget that I was thinking that way.”
“Yeah. I understand.”
When I said that, Mayuki-kun smiled bashfully.
“…Right, should we get to sleep soon? Can I use the sofa on the first floor?”
“No way… I can’t let you sleep in a place like that when you went to the trouble of coming here, Himari-san… Ah, but all the empty rooms have been turned into storage rooms…”
“Do you have any spare futons?”
“Yes, in the closet of the next room… but they haven’t been cleaned, so they might be dirty…”
“I’ll go take a look for now.”
I moved to what seemed to be the room Mayuki-kun’s parents used and opened the closet. Inside were several sets of futons. I pulled one of them out and returned to Mayuki-kun’s room.
“Can I use this?”
“That’s… a futon I don’t know…”
“A sudden horror development!”
“…I think it’s probably a guest futon that was here from the beginning.”
When I spread it out, not much dust came up. I should be able to sleep peacefully on this.
The problem, however, is the location.
“Mayuki-kun, where should your Onee-chan sleep?”
“…Um, what should we do?”
“If you want me to sleep in this room with you, I’ll sleep here, you know?”
“…Won’t you… catch my cold?”
“I think it’ll be fine if we maintain the humidity properly. Besides… you know, I thought it might be better if it helps you feel even a little more at ease.”
“Awu… Then, please… if you would…”
I laid the futon down beside Mayuki-kun’s bed and turned off the room’s lights.
Inside the space where the light had vanished. In the silence, only the sound of our breathing and the hum of the air conditioner echoed.
Before long, a voice spoke up softly from the direction of the bed.
“Himari-san… what do you think of me, as a member of the opposite sex?”
“Hmm… As a member of the opposite sex, huh…ah?”
A strange sound came out of me.
I think I just heard ‘what do you think of me as a member of the opposite sex’, am I right?
No, even if I am right, I don’t know.
I remained silent, pondering how to answer. Until a few months ago, I had simply been adoring ‘Kamimura Mayu’ who was inside the screen. Through a chance encounter, I learned his name was Nakamura Mayuki, and now here we are, lying down in the same room, exchanging words at a distance where we can feel each other’s breath.
“…I… I don’t know, maybe… I’ve never been in that kind of relationship with anyone.”
I didn’t want to evade the question, but honestly conveying that was the best I could do.
“I admired the streamer ‘Kamimura Mayu’, but that was more like envy… a feeling you have for something out of reach. I respect you, Mayuki-kun, and I want to help you. But that doesn’t come from romantic feelings, it’s something born from my own ideals. So, as for what I think of you as a member of the opposite sex… it’s still difficult to put into words, I guess…”
Because right now, I had to properly color and sort the feelings sleeping inside of me. Even though ‘Kamimura Mayu’ and ‘Nakamura Mayuki’ are the same person, the parts you can see and the parts he shows are different. And surely, what I had to do was give a sincere answer to the person that is the high school boy, Nakamura Mayuki.
To lay bare what’s in my heart.
“If I say something like this, you might think I’m trying to act all cutesy, but…”
“…In that case,”
Mayuki-kun gets up from the bed. I wondered if he was going to get a drink of water.
But surprisingly, he came right over to my side.
“Even with this… do you still not understand?”
It was nothing less than a surprise attack.
A soft sensation on my cheek.
After a moment of silence, I realized I had been kissed.
In this room dominated by blackness, I can’t see his expression, but.
I could tell that Mayuki-kun’s voice was trembling terribly.
“Eh, ah…?”
No, is it my voice that’s trembling more?
I can’t grasp the situation. Let me try to sort it out. I came with the Professor to look after Mayuki-kun. I reasoned with Mayuki-kun, who went to the trouble of putting on makeup to greet us despite being unwell, sent him to bed, and prepared a meal. Mayuki-kun let out some complaints, and to resolve them, I laid bare my own past.
Then, suddenly, I was asked what I thought of him as a member of the opposite sex, in other words, as a boy—.
”…”
I could do nothing but remain silent. Then, Mayuki-kun let out a breathy voice.
“Wha-”
“Wha?”
When I instinctively repeated it.
“It’s nothing! Please forget it!”
And then he dives into his bed like a small animal.
In the end, we didn’t exchange any more words after that.
The next morning, as soon as he woke up, Mayuki-kun, his face beet red, left in a hurry after saying in a rush, “I’m, uh, going to school now. I’ll leave the house key on the table, so please drop it in the mailbox on your way out!”
I think it’s a good thing his health has returned. I, on the other hand, couldn’t sleep a wink.
What do I think of Mayuki-kun?
It would have been easy to give a makeshift reply. The atmosphere was like that.
But, I wonder if I was truly able to separate ‘Kamimura Mayu’ from Mayuki-kun in my thoughts.
The fact that I helped him was an action based on my own convictions. I want to protect someone with my own hands. Because I believe that the kind of person who can accomplish that is a charming person. But, was there any other code of conduct beyond that? Which one does Mayuki-kun desire?
In the first place, is it even possible for an influencer whose name is known by middle and high school students all over the country to fall for an ordinary person like me as a member of the opposite sex?
All sorts of thoughts stagnated in my head, and I couldn’t reach a conclusion.