Idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot.
I’m such an idiot.
I hang my head while fidgeting with the sleeves of my oversized hoodie. This item alone could probably pass as a unisex outfit, but in the end, the lower half of my body was wrapped in denim hot pants and 50 denier black tights. No matter how you looked at it, I was a girl. And after I’d been so determined.
At 3 PM, Kawaramachi subway station was overflowing with families, groups of students, and couples standing side-by-side, and it was all I could do to walk without bumping shoulders with people. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I’ve blended into a crowd like this. I checked the position of the mask covering my face and let out a choked breath.
Inside the station, there was a large digital signage displaying a huge cosmetics advertisement, and the area beneath it was well-known as a perfect meeting spot. I checked my smartphone from the shadow of a pillar a little ways away from there. On the screen was my message, “I’m here,” and the “read” notification.
A few minutes later, Himari-san came into view. She was wearing a light pink one-piece dress with a white-based summer jacket. A very mature, womanly look. She was looking around restlessly, perhaps searching for me. As I got closer, our eyes met. I slid my mask down to show my face.
“Good morning, Himari-san.”
At that, Himari-san exclaimed “Whoa!” in surprise, and then began to act fidgety.
“G-Good morning, y-you’re cute today, too.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Ugh, I guess it’s obvious, huh…”
“I am, too. After all, I’m going out with a woman, just the two of us.”
“Is that, um… s-should I say, ‘I’m honored,’ I wonder…?”
“I was really, really looking forward to today. Let’s go around to all the shops before it gets dark.”
“The incarnation of vitality!”
“What should we eat tonight? Shall we eat the grilled corpses of cows and pigs, or the fresh corpses of fish?”
“Such violent words!”
“Your voice is like a violin, Himari-san.”
“What do you mean!? Is my voice that rich in overtones!?”
“It’s a bit much to continue this trade of words here, so shall we head above ground?”
“Double-time march!”
When I said I didn’t know that phrase, she told me it means to hurry to one’s destination.
The banter flows so smoothly. If I were wearing men’s slacks, for example, instead of hot pants for girls, I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to talk like this, and thinking that made me feel pathetic.
Eventually, we came out above ground and reached a large bridge that separated the station area from the downtown shopping district.
Weaving through the crowd of tourists taking commemorative photos by the railing, we crossed it, and an area lined with eateries, electronics stores, and amusement facilities like karaoke and billiards came into view.
Our destination was a densely packed area of apparel shops in a district further ahead. It being a holiday, there were a lot of people, but compared to the station’s throng, the streets were wider. It was certainly crowded, but combined with the pleasant weather, it wasn’t too stressful.
We continued walking side-by-side, making small talk.
Come to think of it, we only know the surface of each other. I only recognize Himari-san as ‘a woman who is accepting, kind, has a great figure, but is actually incredibly strong,’ and I’m sure Himari-san recognizes me as ‘a male high school student who lives alone and crossdresses on his internet streams.’ We know each other’s profiles, but we’re in a state of not knowing the details.
“What kind of clothes do you like, Himari-san?”
“Clothes? Um, let’s see, for example—”
And so, I threw various questions at her. Favorite food, favorite color. Favorite music, favorite sports. In the same way, I also began to lay bare my own inner self.
In that flow, I asked the question I wanted to ask the most.
“Himari-san, why did you start watching my streams?”
“Ah… that’s… ugh…”
She hesitated, looking a little embarrassed.
But when I’m crossdressing, I’m invincible, so I moved my face even closer.
Himari-san looked like she had resigned herself to it, and she squeezed out the words with a groan.
“Yeah, well… at first, it was for studying, I guess…”
“Studying?”
“Studying makeup, and fashion… I couldn’t do makeup at all… and embarrassingly enough, from elementary school until the middle of high school, I lived a life far removed from being fashionable…”
“Is that so?”
“It is…”
Honestly, I couldn’t have imagined that from her appearance and demeanor. Because even from my perspective, Himari-san was, in a good way, a ‘typical female college student’.
“But you know,”
Himari-san continued.
“It’s true that what started it was something minor. But as I was watching your streams and videos, I started to get the feeling that, this person must really research how they’re seen by others, or that they must be studying and working hard behind the scenes to meet the viewers’ expectations… And so, I came to want to purely support you.”
I stopped walking without thinking. The wave of people surging from behind parted around us like a mountain stream blocked by a protrusion. Himari-san also turned to look back at me with a puzzled expression.
“Sorry, did I say something weird?”
“It’s nothing,” I replied.
“That’s not the reaction of someone for whom it’s nothing, though…?”
To the suspicious-looking Himari-san, I conveyed my honest feelings.
“…I’m happy. You’re the first person who’s ever said something like that to my face.”
Just then, someone called out “You’re in the way” from behind us, and we moved to the edge of the sidewalk in a bit of a fluster. We gave each other a wry smile and continued on, walking a little faster.
The area of our destination had been turned into a pedestrian-only zone, with little car traffic, and the whole vicinity was crowded with the signs of various clothing stores, from famous high-end brands to familiar fast fashion.
“I didn’t know there was a shop over there.”
Since Himari-san said that, I also turned my gaze in the same direction.
“You’re right. Let’s go check it out.”
“I told you, you’re too much the incarnation of vitality!”
Eventually, we stepped into a second-hand clothing store located down an alley.
The store’s exterior was compact overall, with a cute, wood-grain door. There was a wooden deck near the entrance, and the varnished lumber was gleaming. A sign with “reverse” written in cursive was out. Apparently, that was the name of the store.
“I wonder if it’s a play on ‘rebirth’. For a second-hand shop’s name, that might be fitting?”
“I’ve never seen it before. Let’s go in here.”
“Such a quick decision!?”
The moment I opened the door, a bell chimed, announcing our entry. A fragrant scent was drifting in the air. The kind of ethnic fragrance you often find in variety shops or underground accessory stores. It was a calming atmosphere.
“Is this really a second-hand shop? I had an image of clothes being packed in more tightly…”
“I know what you mean. Like a discount store… Oh, this is cute.”
“A cute person holding cute clothes and muttering ‘cute’ is just too cute…”
“Your Japanese is melting, Himari-san.”
As we were having a casual conversation while looking at the display shelves, a female shop assistant approached us before long. She had a black bob cut with a red inner color that gave off a subculture vibe. Her light makeup suited her well-defined features.
Seeing that face—for just a moment, my breath caught in my throat.
But with Himari-san next to me, I feigned composure and met the assistant’s eyes.
“Welcome~, please take your time~… wait… huh…?”
As my gaze met with the friendly, smiling assistant’s, her eyes widened.
“Mayuki…?”
”…”
I remained silent. Because I didn’t know what to say.
“It is Mayuki… What are you doing in a place like this?”
“…Eh?”
The one who spoke up was Himari-san. Her voice seemed to contain the meaning, ‘How do you know Mayuki-kun’s real name?’ I opened my mouth to resolve that question.
“It’s been a while, Hasumi. What a coincidence, have you been well?”
When I said that, the female shop assistant—Hasumi Rin—spoke in the exact same tone I knew her for.
“Shut up, is that sarcasm? You’ve still got that look where I can’t tell if you’re a guy or a girl.”
She replied. Her way of speaking was rough for a girl, but I liked that part of her, how she didn’t put up walls with anyone and said whatever was on her mind. I couldn’t help but smile.
“You cut your hair, Hasumi. You’ve got color in the nape of your neck, it looks good on you.”
“Right? Anyway, your hair’s gotten too long, hasn’t it? Let me see.”
Hasumi abruptly closed the distance and started touching my hair. “It’s so silky, that’s seriously annoying,” she said, playing with the ends of my hair in full-on gyaru-speak, before turning the conversation to Himari-san, who was standing dumbfounded next to me.
“So, is this lady Mayuki’s girlfriend?”
Cough, cough, Himari-san choked. It’s true I was dressed as a girl, but for someone who knew my actual gender, I don’t think it was a particularly surprising question.
At times like this, even “Kamimura Mayu” didn’t have the presence of mind to come up with a witty preamble like, “Something like that—” or, “She’s not my girlfriend yet, but—“.
“Anesaki Himari-san… a, senpai from college.”
In the end, it was just a plain introduction.
“I see, I see. Nice to meet you, I’m Hasumi Rin. I’m Mayuki’s former classmate.”
“Sorry, I was just surprised. Nice to meet you. I’m Anesaki Himari. Um… if you’re Mayuki-kun’s classmate, does that make you my junior?”
“…Ah, no. I’m a little different, I guess.”
At Himari-san’s casual question, Hasumi gave a troubled smile.
“I, uh, had some stuff happen, so I dropped out of high school. That’s why I’m a ‘former’ classmate.”
Hasumi is a former classmate.
She was a precious friend, but due to certain circumstances, she voluntarily withdrew from Yamataka High.
Perhaps sensing the shadow that crossed Himari-san’s face, Hasumi waved her hand and said resolutely.
“It’s fine. Please don’t worry about it.”
Meanwhile, Hasumi brushed it off nonchalantly. I felt a little saved.
“…Hasumi, you haven’t changed. That’s good. I’m relieved.”
“None of your business. I’m going to night school. Keep it a secret that I’m working here.”
“Got it. I promise. It’s not like I have anyone else to tell anyway.”
To Hasumi, who said, “Right?” in a cheerful tone, my past self would probably have bantered back with something like, “You’d agree with that part, huh.” But, just being able to see her looking well, even by chance, was more than enough.
“I heard through the grapevine that after that, Hasumi couldn’t leave her house, so I was worried.”
“Ah, yeah… well. It’s true that I was a shut-in for about two weeks after leaving my parents’ house.”
Even if it was only for two weeks, I couldn’t imagine that Hasumi being in such a situation.
“I’d been saving up money from my part-time job since my first year of high school, so I knew I’d be fine for a while, but you still have to work eventually or you’ll die, right? Besides, while I was cooped up, I was watching TV, and there was this debate show about internet flame wars. This amazing college girl named Housenka was saying all this passionate stuff like, ‘We shouldn’t do things that prevent people who’ve been flamed from re-entering society,’ and ‘You can start your life over as many times as you want’… and it made me think I had to try hard too.”
“…I see.”
It’s fine for the reason to be something trivial. After all, the reason I started streaming was something really stupid. What’s important is how she’s living now.
“By the way, for someone who was so worried, you never contacted me, did you?”
“Because I don’t have your contact info.”
“Ah, right,” Hasumi muttered and took her smartphone out from her pocket.
“Well then, Mayuki, give me your contact info again. I didn’t want to keep my old phone, so I cancelled the contract. But it’s inconvenient not to have one, right? I’m in the middle of re-registering my friends’ contacts and stuff.”
“Sure. Should we use LINE?”
“Alrighty. While you’re at it, introduce my shop in one of your videos sometime.”
“I have school, so the recording would have to be on a weekend. Aren’t you busy?”
“We close at 9 PM, so we can just do it after that. I’ll get permission from the manager.”
“But that’s overtime work.”
“It’s not like you’re working during the day.”
“Also, if you want to make a proper promotional video, it’s better to outsource the editing to a professional, so it’ll cost a bit of money. Is that okay?”
“If you appear for free, it’ll break even, won’t it?”
“Is it just my imagination, or is it only a minus for me?”
We traded lighthearted banter, just like we used to in the classroom. Hasumi probably saw me as just another classmate with a slightly weird hobby, but to me, Hasumi was a precious friend. I was inwardly relieved that the atmosphere and warmth between us hadn’t changed.
On the other hand, I felt sorry for Himari-san, who looked out of place, and at the same time, I wanted her to know the full story—that’s what I thought.
In the end, at the thrift store ‘reverse’, I ended up buying a lot of things just as Hasumi recommended. I honestly felt envious of how Hasumi’s innate talent for not putting up walls with others was being put to use as business acumen. I tried to gift Himari-san some clothes too, but she firmly refused, so while I was at it, I used the fitting room to put on a simple fashion show. I love being called cute. But being called ‘cute’ by Himari-san stirred my heart in a particularly intense way.